just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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