This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
