my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
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