Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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