Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
We named our party play list daddy issues
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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