Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I think your dad took our porno
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
