i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
