If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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