My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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