Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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