I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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