Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
