No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
