I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I have fence marks all over my body
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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