What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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