Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
