I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
