Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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