the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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