my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
NoShamevember. You game?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
