I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
