Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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