..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
whose parrot is this?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
