I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
And then he peed in my hair
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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