He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
