i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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