So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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