would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
