I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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