evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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