why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
