Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I love you. Go after that dick
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
