I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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