why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
