how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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