okay pat passed out under dana's car
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
