I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
