let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
