God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
