WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I didn't notice because vodka
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
