hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
