I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I CAN MOONWALK!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
