It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
