Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
