How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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