So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
