Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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