I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
me + whiskey = a bad person
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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