I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
