If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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