I can't breathe out the right side of my face
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
my shit smells like andre
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
