his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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