My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
