This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
