I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
